Another one of those nights. I'm tired, but I can't seem to fall asleep because I have so much on my mind. So I decided to get up and do some writing. In the process I came across my journal from a couple of years ago. I hesitated to open it and read through it because I knew that it would bring back some memories that I would prefer to leave in my past. But something told me to open it. So I did. As I began to read, I immediately started to feel goose bumps. Although I knew that I wrote it, it was like reading the words of a stranger. I was reminded of how angry I used to be. I was reminded of how sad I used to be. I was taken back to a very dark place...a very dark time in my life. Flashbacks of insanity...literally! It struck emotion in me instantly. I fell to my knees...crying...just like before! But this time I started talking to God. I asked God, "why"? It was then that God revealed to me that the reason he had me to read through that old journal was NOT to take me back to where I used to be. But He did it to show me how far I've come...an issue I've been struggling with a lot lately. No more depression! No more self-inflicted wombs! No more popping pills! No more looking for love in all of the wrong places! Finally I love me! And more importantly I love God & He loves me! You see, I made it through back then because someone was praying for me. Today I'm faithful that I'll make it through because I have a relationship with God now and I can go to Him in prayer myself. So I spent the next 30 minutes offering my praise...thanking God! He always answers prayers! Even when I don't understand, I'll trust Him. Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." And I've made up my mind that that's what I will do. I know some people may look at me and think they know me. But they really have no idea of my story and how I got here. I've come a long way & I still have a long way to go. But with Jesus in the driver seat, I'm COVERED! True. Story.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Sleepless in Ashburn
Another one of those nights. I'm tired, but I can't seem to fall asleep because I have so much on my mind. So I decided to get up and do some writing. In the process I came across my journal from a couple of years ago. I hesitated to open it and read through it because I knew that it would bring back some memories that I would prefer to leave in my past. But something told me to open it. So I did. As I began to read, I immediately started to feel goose bumps. Although I knew that I wrote it, it was like reading the words of a stranger. I was reminded of how angry I used to be. I was reminded of how sad I used to be. I was taken back to a very dark place...a very dark time in my life. Flashbacks of insanity...literally! It struck emotion in me instantly. I fell to my knees...crying...just like before! But this time I started talking to God. I asked God, "why"? It was then that God revealed to me that the reason he had me to read through that old journal was NOT to take me back to where I used to be. But He did it to show me how far I've come...an issue I've been struggling with a lot lately. No more depression! No more self-inflicted wombs! No more popping pills! No more looking for love in all of the wrong places! Finally I love me! And more importantly I love God & He loves me! You see, I made it through back then because someone was praying for me. Today I'm faithful that I'll make it through because I have a relationship with God now and I can go to Him in prayer myself. So I spent the next 30 minutes offering my praise...thanking God! He always answers prayers! Even when I don't understand, I'll trust Him. Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." And I've made up my mind that that's what I will do. I know some people may look at me and think they know me. But they really have no idea of my story and how I got here. I've come a long way & I still have a long way to go. But with Jesus in the driver seat, I'm COVERED! True. Story.
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