Sleepless in Ashburn

Another one of those nights. I'm tired, but I can't seem to fall asleep because I have so much on my mind. So I decided to get up and do some writing. In the process I came across my journal from a couple of years ago. I hesitated to open it and read through it because I knew that it would bring back some memories that I would prefer to leave in my past. But something told me to open it. So I did. As I began to read, I immediately started to feel goose bumps. Although I knew that I wrote it, it was like reading the words of a stranger. I was reminded of how angry I used to be. I was reminded of how sad I used to be. I was taken back to a very dark place...a very dark time in my life. Flashbacks of insanity...literally! It struck emotion in me instantly. I fell to my knees...crying...just like before! But this time I started talking to God. I asked God, "why"? It was then that God revealed to me that the reason he had me to read through that old journal was NOT to take me back to where I used to be. But He did it to show me how far I've come...an issue I've been struggling with a lot lately. No more depression! No more self-inflicted wombs! No more popping pills! No more looking for love in all of the wrong places! Finally I love me! And more importantly I love God & He loves me! You see, I made it through back then because someone was praying for me. Today I'm faithful that I'll make it through because I have a relationship with God now and I can go to Him in prayer myself. So I spent the next 30 minutes offering my praise...thanking God! He always answers prayers! Even when I don't understand, I'll trust Him. Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." And I've made up my mind that that's what I will do. I know some people may look at me and think they know me. But they really have no idea of my story and how I got here. I've come a long way & I still have a long way to go. But with Jesus in the driver seat, I'm COVERED! True. Story.

Welcome to the Susan G. Komen 3-Day for the Cure: Participant Center

Welcome to the Susan G. Komen 3-Day for the Cure: Participant Center

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Walking in the Right Direction

This year I have taken on an incredible challenge. I'll be participating in a very special event called the Susan G. Komen 3-Day for the Cure. On October 8, 2010, I'll be walking 60 miles over the course of three days, camping out at night with thousands of other women and men taking this journey with me. Net proceeds from the Susan G. Komen 3-Day for the CureTM are invested in community-based breast health programs and breast cancer research. The research funded focuses on decreasing breast cancer incidence and mortality in the next decade. I've agreed to raise at least $2,300 in donations. I've set my personal goal at $3,000. So I need your help. Would you please consider making a donation of $50? Keep in mind how far I'm walking - and how hard I'll have to train. Just click on Donate and search for my personal fundraising page or go to http://www.the3day.org/goto/nikkia140924. You can also fill out the enclosed donation form and mail it to the address on the form or call 800-996-3DAY to donate over the phone. As many of you probably know, I lost both of my grandmothers to breast cancer. One Alberta G. Shields in 1995 and the other Gracie P. Mason in the year 2000. I also have an aunt, Deborah Shields who is on the winning side of her battle with breast cancer. Recently I was thinking about how I felt when I first learned of them having cancer. And even at a young age I remember wishing there was something that I could do to help them. While I know that I can not walk into a lab and mix some miracle potion, I firmly believe that we are getting closer to finding a cure for cancer. Here is my opportunity (as well as yours), to take part and make a difference while educating and enlightening other men and women along the way. Without a cure, one in eight women in the U.S. will be diagnosed with breast cancer in her lifetime. That's why I'm walking so far. To do something bold about breast cancer & because everyone deserves a lifetime. I hope that you'll share this incredible adventure with me - by supporting me in my fundraising efforts. Thank you in advance for your generosity!

https://secure3.convio.net/npt/site/Donation2?df_id=2325&FR_ID=1474&PROXY_ID=4889085&PROXY_TYPE=20&outreachid=m5dQy_D9WMaiWRaoDmfgI2D0JVQTmBmg"> border="0" alt="Help me reach my goal for the Susan G. Komen Washington, DC 3-Day for the Cure!" title="Help me reach my goal for the Susan G. Komen Washington, DC 3-Day for the Cure!" src="

I am Her and She is Me

I just wanted to say that I'M BAAAAACK and ready more than ever to share with you more of my journey. My thoughts are little bit clearer now so things will be raw. So this isn't for the weak at heart. Stay tuned...

LIGHTS!! CAMERA!! ACTION!!

I'll be the first to admit it, I feel like the world is MY runway! When I step out of the house in the morning, I imagine there's paparazzi all around me. Red Carpet. Flashing Lights. People screaming my name. Yup, the whole nine! In no way is it arrogance. I'm not arrogant at all. Inclusive. Not exclusive. I think every woman should feel this way to an extent. When I wake up in the morning and prepare myself for the day, I feel like I'm going through hair and make-up before I hit the stage. Then I have to get in character before I walk out the door/walk on to the stage. Fortunately I don't have any lines to remember. I just smile at the people. I wave. And though no lights are truly flashing and there aren't actually any cameras, I still feel like I have to leave a picture (or impression) of myself that says I'm on top of the world! Happy as can be! But then when it's all over, the make-up is gone, I "let me hair down", & reality sets in...I still have the same issues. Same bad habits I'm working on. Same insecurities. And on top of that, I'm drained from staying "in character" while I'm "on stage". Where does one draw the line?? When does it become unhealthy? Ahh well, I'll figure it out later...it's almost time for curtain call.

We're Just ORDINARY People...

...we don't know which way to go. So it's time to get our knees dirty...then come up with direction.

Sweet Dream...or a Beautiful Nightmare? Can I still get in?

Please note: I am not a poet nor am I attempting to be. Just expressing my thoughts @ the time. It is not my intentions to offend anyone. If you're offended, then I'm probably talking about you, so feel free to get lost. OK moving on...

I believe. I read. I have faith the size of a mustard seed. But I'd be lying if I said at times these daydreams don't get the best of me. Today my mind wandered & I had vivid thoughts of him...I was ready, the mood was set, and the lights were dim. From dinner, to the tub, & eventually to the bedroom. The aroma of lust was in the air, beyond the smell of my perfume. A rub here, a kiss there, as he worked his way down. Though the lights were dim, the route was familiar & he knew his way around. Moaning & groaning, excited for what was to come. And from our bodies being pressed together, I knew I wasn't the only one. The closer he got, the weaker my body became. Head back, eyes closed...soon "the neighbors would know his name." Oh yes! He made it there! But just as I was ready to "sing"...I remembered...this is wrong...I forgot to get a ring...

I'm sure you, you & you couldn't possibly relate, because you're Bible toting Christians...free of mistakes. LOL yeah right I know better, I'm just saying what you think. I'm not ashamed to say, I'm still working out the kinks. So while you're pondering all the things I know you'd never say to me, do the Godly thing instead & just pray for me ;-)