LIGHTS!! CAMERA!! ACTION!!

I'll be the first to admit it, I feel like the world is MY runway! When I step out of the house in the morning, I imagine there's paparazzi all around me. Red Carpet. Flashing Lights. People screaming my name. Yup, the whole nine! In no way is it arrogance. I'm not arrogant at all. Inclusive. Not exclusive. I think every woman should feel this way to an extent. When I wake up in the morning and prepare myself for the day, I feel like I'm going through hair and make-up before I hit the stage. Then I have to get in character before I walk out the door/walk on to the stage. Fortunately I don't have any lines to remember. I just smile at the people. I wave. And though no lights are truly flashing and there aren't actually any cameras, I still feel like I have to leave a picture (or impression) of myself that says I'm on top of the world! Happy as can be! But then when it's all over, the make-up is gone, I "let me hair down", & reality sets in...I still have the same issues. Same bad habits I'm working on. Same insecurities. And on top of that, I'm drained from staying "in character" while I'm "on stage". Where does one draw the line?? When does it become unhealthy? Ahh well, I'll figure it out later...it's almost time for curtain call.

We're Just ORDINARY People...

...we don't know which way to go. So it's time to get our knees dirty...then come up with direction.

Sweet Dream...or a Beautiful Nightmare? Can I still get in?

Please note: I am not a poet nor am I attempting to be. Just expressing my thoughts @ the time. It is not my intentions to offend anyone. If you're offended, then I'm probably talking about you, so feel free to get lost. OK moving on...

I believe. I read. I have faith the size of a mustard seed. But I'd be lying if I said at times these daydreams don't get the best of me. Today my mind wandered & I had vivid thoughts of him...I was ready, the mood was set, and the lights were dim. From dinner, to the tub, & eventually to the bedroom. The aroma of lust was in the air, beyond the smell of my perfume. A rub here, a kiss there, as he worked his way down. Though the lights were dim, the route was familiar & he knew his way around. Moaning & groaning, excited for what was to come. And from our bodies being pressed together, I knew I wasn't the only one. The closer he got, the weaker my body became. Head back, eyes closed...soon "the neighbors would know his name." Oh yes! He made it there! But just as I was ready to "sing"...I remembered...this is wrong...I forgot to get a ring...

I'm sure you, you & you couldn't possibly relate, because you're Bible toting Christians...free of mistakes. LOL yeah right I know better, I'm just saying what you think. I'm not ashamed to say, I'm still working out the kinks. So while you're pondering all the things I know you'd never say to me, do the Godly thing instead & just pray for me ;-)

"I Wanna Dance With Somebody...With Somebody Who Loves Me"

L.O.V.E. (...you don't know my name)

Mirror Mirror on the wall

Every time I do this dance, I fall

So show me the position in which I begin

And ease the pain if I fall, so that I'm willing to start all over again

PERFECT STRANGERS

Familiarity consumed me as I noticed her silhouette. I knew we'd met before, but I just wasn't sure of all the details. I attempted to prepare myself mentally before I could take one step in her direction. Perfecting my approach so to speak. Would I begin by telling her how I love her more than anything in this world? Or how I'm proud of her and all of her accomplishments? Or do I start by expressing my anger and frustrations for being an obstacle in my life...furthermore preventing me from getting closer to my destiny? I can't decide. But I take the first step anyway. My heart beat starts to pick up as I notice how fragile she appears. Her back is towards me. I become overwhelmed with mixed emotions. I've been dying for the opportunity to come face to face with this person who has been trying to control my life. Sometimes I think she's a gift to me from God and can do no wrong. While other times I feel she's nothing but a hindrance on my road to success. I take another step in her direction. Her head's hanging down. Based on her body language, it appeared she was crying. At first I begin to sympathize. But why should I?!? She made me fear happiness! Prevented me from being happy! She made me not even want to learn what real LOVE is! Why should I care?!? I took another step in her direction. My heart started beating faster.The closer I got to her, the more I could feel her emotions...the more I could feel her pain. I reached out & placed my hand on her shoulder with plans to console her. At that moment she began to speak to me. She said "I love you more than anything in this world & I'm proud of you and all of your accomplishments. But I'm very angry & I find you to be an obstacle in my life at times. Often times I think you're heaven sent, while other times I find you to be nothing but a hindrance on my road to success! There are times when I want to be there for you, but I blame you for the fact that I fear happiness. I blame you for me not being open to learning what love really is! I blame you! I could feel ALL of her emotions...with just one hand on her shoulder. It was almost surreal. With both of our hearts racing, she turns to me with her head still hanging down & said "I forgive you." She then slowly looked up at me. At that moment, I then realized why she was so familiar to me...and why I could feel everything that she felt. It was because...she was me.

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow Pt.1

So I'm sitting in the salon (for hours as usual), and I'm observing the mood of women when they come in the salon, verses when they leave. As you probably know, I can people watch for days! The way women interact with other women...the way women are when they feel they're being watched...the way women are when they think no one is watching...the posture of a woman when a man walks into the room...it's all so fascinating! In some ways we (women) are so predictable. And other times the only thing that's predictable is that there is no way to predict how we will respond. Gotta love us! OK so back to the salon...when women first walk into the salon, they tend to be very quiet. Sometimes stand-offish. Often times appearing to be very unsure of themselves. There are a number of things that could contribute to this. Maybe it's because their hair isn't done. Maybe they're guarded because they don't know what others are thinking of them. Or in my case (like in my salon), they're frustrated because of the lack of professionalism in the salon (no one speaks or even smiles in your direction). But as their experience continues, they tend to ease up a bit. From the shampoo bowl, to the dryer, to the styling chair. By the time a woman leaves the salon, her frown has turned upside down, her posture is much more confident & her life/mood has changed, even if only temporarily.

There's so much more to the salon experience for a woman than just "getting her hair done." It's a transformation. Sometimes more mental than anything else. A relaxer may not only be getting the "kinks" out of her hair, but also may help to work out some of the kinks in her life. A new hair cut may appear on the outside as just the removing of hair from her head, but it may be helping to build the confidence to remove people or things from her life that no longer have a place.

I am in no way saying that a woman IS her hair. But I am saying that it's more than "just hair." There's more to the experience...

Come Out! Come Out! Wherever You Are!

I wonder if there is an age limit on when you discover your hidden talent or talents. Because I'm 27 years old and I have yet to discover mine. I can't sing. I don't dance (in public). I can't cook. I'm not really all that funny (to other people at least). Athletic? Unless you consider shopping during the holidays a sport, then that would be a negative as well. I can't sew. I enjoy food way too much to be a model. And I'm not creative enough to be a designer. But I'm sure there HAS to be something that I do well to make my parents say "Good job Nik...we're proud of you!" When I was in school I used to get good grades. But now that I'm out of school, that's over. So what's left for me? I'm not a mom, so can't say I'm a great mother. I'm not married, so can't say I'm a good wife. So maybe it's that right now I'm in a prepping phase. Maybe God is preparing me for something. I'm sure that I have a purpose in this life...something that I was placed here on this earth to do. I wonder if it will line up parallel with what I want to do. I want to create this..."empire" so to speak for young girls/women. I want to mentor and provide an outlet for them. I want to prevent them from making some of the same decisions that I made and also be there to comfort and guide them when they do. I want to help prepare them for the future. I want to instill things in them today, that they will need in order to be strong & successful women of tomorrow. I probably can't do it alone though...I need a team. Can I make this happen...of course I can. Watch me! For now, I'll just keep doing the one thing that I know that no one can do better & that's DO ME! Stay tuned...

I'M not FOCUSED MAN!!!

Hmmm, I wonder if I'll be able to fit into my size 26 Hudsons by Thanksgiving...is what I was thinking as one of my good friends was crying to me on the phone about how she thinks her husband is cheating on her. By the time I'd hung up the phone I'd realized that, NO I probably won't be able to fit them and YES he probably is cheating. The down side (well the other down side) to this is, my mind wanders off like this ALL THE TIME!!! Often times it's during very important conversations. I remember when I was in school (high school & college), I used to make myself sit in the front of the class just to increase the chances of me paying attention. When I ask for directions, most of the time I zone out the second they start explaining. Yet I still continue to nod my head and say "uh huh" to reassure them that I'm listening. But in the end, I've heard nada! I'm so easily distracted...this must be a disease! Every morning when I wake up I say to myself "Self, we are going to stay focused today. No slacking." But before I can even complete my thought, my mind has wandered and focused on everything that I'm focusing on not focusing on!! Yes that's what I said! It's funny at times, but in the long run it hinders me. Sounds minor, but has major effects. I wonder if there's a cure for this on WebMD...

My Big Girl Shoes...stilettos anyone?

OK fine! So another lesson learned. I cried. I pleaded. I cried some more. Now there's nothing more I can do but put my big girl shoes on & pray for guidance. As silly as it may sound, the combination of those two things are lethal (in a good way of course)! It's amazing how a pair of shoes (preferably stiletto pumps 3 1/2 inches or higher) can completely transform a woman. When I slip into a pair of "bad" shoes, I immediately get a "chick/negro please" type of attitude. Like "umm are you coming to me with this non-sense? You must not see my shoes!" or What do you mean I'm not getting a $20,000 raise...do you see my shoes!?! I guess what I'm trying to say is stilettos bring about a confidence. A different kind of confidence. It controls your posture...the way you speak...and my personal favorite, the uber amounts of non-verbal communication...yup, all from a pair of shoes! And then of course prayer! No "super-saint" here. But I'm definitely a believer and working on my relationship EVERYDAY. I read my Bible. I pray. Sometimes I get so frustrated that I don't even know what to say when I go to Him. That's usually when I just start to thank Him. And I pray for guidance because sometimes...most of the time...ok all the time, I am sooo lost without Him. So yup, I pray. I pray that one day I'm as comfortable in my skin, as I am in the stilettos on my feet. For now, Bible in my hand, stilettos on my feet, praises from my mouth...it's bound to get better.

Almost Doesn't Count...does it?

"...but joy cometh in the morning." Well my joy must have had a long night because it's morning and I'm still not feeling quite joyful. Thankful? Absolutely! Joyful? Not so much. Ever feel like you almost had something, or you almost made it, or almost completed something? Well I feel like I live an almost, but not quite kind of life. Oh it's not intentional, but it is actual. And I'm not pointing fingers. I almost made it across the stage, but I was making it across "the stage" and it lead to a mental stage that prevented me from getting to the other side. I was almost where I wanted to be with my career, but the termination disfigured my plan. I was almost in love, but his lack of like made it slightly impossible. I almost had enough money to take care of my debts, but I spent it on this mask I call happiness because I know you "the paparazzi" are watching. And I almost ran a away from it all, but GOD kept me. I'm almost done, but...to be continued

Coming to the stage...

From my journal to the world wide web...I'm finally blogging! People have been making the suggestion for a long time, but finally here I am. Come embark on this journey with me as I share with you my ups and downs, silent cries & obscene outbursts, lessons learned as well as those ignored...as I learn what love is...and what it's not...cute shoes...not so cute men...celebrity news...relationships...and my relationship with GOD. Some say I'm a mess. Some say I'm crazy. I just say I'm MS.UNDERSTOOD...pleased to meet you!